Ang Buhay ko ay Nakaka...

Nong bata pa ako pangarap ko na talaga magtrabaho sa ibang bansa. Sa ganoong gulang alam na alam ko na na walang magandang buhay sa Pinas. Di naman sa konocondem ko ang aking bansa pero pag andon ka lang di sapat ang kita para sa buong pamilya. Sa awa naman ng Diyos andito ako di lang para magtrabaho kundi manirahan pa sa ibang bansa kasama ng napakabait kong kabiyak. (cheesy..bonggang bongga ang Tagalog ko!) Masaya naman ako dito sa totoo lang, kaya lang minsan di talaga maiwasan ma miss ang aking bansang sinilangan. Homesick, yan ang tawag nila. Ayoko talaga na binibisita ako ni boy homesick kasi depress talaga ako. Gaya nong isang gabi, pagkatapos kong matapos ang last day ng aking 4 na araw na streyt duty kahit makapgsalita di ko magawa dahil sa sobrang pagod. Di na nakakain at di manlang nakababa para mag "hi hello" sa bayaw ko. Deretso na sa kwarto, dahil ang unang unang pumasok sa ulo ko ay tulog. Pero sa kasamaang palad di naman ako makatulog, ang nangyari eh naiyak ako ng naiyak kasi I feel so alone. Siguro KSP lang talaga ako, di ako kasi pinansin ng jowa ko pagdating sa bahay medyo matagal tagal pa. Niwez kaya naisip ko ang buhay ko dito ay nakakabagot kasi alang gala masyado di gaya sa pinas pwedeng makipag chikahan sa neybor. Haay..Ang buhay ko dito ay nakakaloka, masyadong proper miss ko na ang burarang buhay sa Pinas.(haha) Ang buhay ko dito ay nakakalungkot din minsan. Walang aliw at tawanan pag galing sa trabaho na pagod kaya ramdam mo talaga ang sakit ng likod at paa. Haaay iba pa rin talaga ang buhay Pinas..NAKAKAMISS! :(

If Tears Could Build a Stairway...

If tears could build a stairway, and memories could build a lane,

I would bring you right home again.

Instead God looked around in his garden and found an empty place.

He then looked down on earth and saw your tired face.

He put his arms around you and lifted you to rest.

God's garden must be beautiful, He always take the best.

He knew that you were suffering, he knew you were in pain.

He knew you would never get well on Earth.

He saw the road was getting rough,

The hills are getting hard to climb.

So He closed your weary eyelids and whispered " Peace be Thine".

It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone.

For a part of us went with you, the day God called you home.

Your love is still our guide.

And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems to be the same.

But as God calls us, one by one,

The chain will link again...

I like this poem, it gives me a good and positive views about my fathers death.Well it was 3 years ago I know but aacepting is really hard to do. But time heals the wound they say. I was healed yes, but there are times I still suffer for the lost. Some of my questions were answered about life's unfairness with what happend to him but sometimes I still grasp for more. It ripped and tore my heart everytime I get to remember how helpless we were, I was, that day, that moment,that time. If we were just rich we could have done more to prolong his life and perhaps he was not abroad all his life and all our lives to support our family. If I was not in denial, I could have talked to him and tell him how much I loved him.If I didn't take my course I could have spent a lot of time with him. And if he's still with us life won't be this hard, I could have even finished my BSN.
But that's all it was..it happend for a reason I knew. It was the hardest thing to accept for me and I was so weak just then. Seemed like everything went dark and hopeless,meaningless and devastating. I end up questioning God and even nearly lost my faith and trust in Him. If I could just cursed life, I could have created thunder and lightning that very moment. Life was so unfair and cruel. I lost all my will to live. My father was just my only hope and inspiration to dream and excel in what I do. But God took him despite of the bargaining I asked Him. Obviously He didn't heard it, I said.And I hate him so much for that.I refused to pray and drowned myself to weakness. My thought was " I lost my dad, so what for to continue school and dream?" I totally lost all my interest and worst my dreams that I once made with my father.
Maybe Papa saw what was happening to me and so He asked God to enlighten his little girl. Lead her back to God again and trust in Him. Yes that night after my father's funeral, I had a dream and it was a voice that was telling me not worry because wherever my father is, he is happy and he's with God and all his sufferings had gone now. It streghtens me a bit and I prayed and started to renew back myself and faith to God. It was then life was made better, just everytime I miss my father I asked him to visit me in my dream and most of the time he does. And just then I realised that I never really lost my dad, he's still with us and will always be with us. =) I know he never want me to weep all along and waste my life cos of his lost, he won't be happy for that. And God too, He doesn't want me to be devoured by sadness and weakness so He held on me and did a lot of things to wake me up and realised that life is still moving on..I still have my mum and my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and came along James Burr..who put me back to life again and hope forit and of course to Love God more and more everyday. To trust and have faith in Him cos He always wants the best for me, for us...
Yes right..indeed! Another chapter of my life is aboout to come soon and I know God is with us all along and Papa is always with me and will still walk with me on my wedding day? will you papa?hehe..I love you so much and I miss you very much. Happy fathers day!

Repost from my blog "Like Flowers I am Loved" posted this last year Fathers Day before my wedding
Poem found and copied from Imikimi and the photo from google.
Opinions and essay are all mine :)

Homesick Ako :(

It's nearly a year since I came here in England. A lot of changes in my life took place and I'm so glad I managed and is coping very well with it. It's just for some instance, life seems to be ironic. It gave me a wonderful husband, great in laws, a splendid and secured life here in England. Yet it means being away with my family. I am profoundly happy with my life here with my husband and new family, but once in a while I still cry myself to bed because I Missed Home :( . I missed all the people in it. Though to be honest, my life here is so much better than I had and I will have there. Yet despite of that nothing compares of the joy being with the old people in my life.  Hidlaw na ko sa mga magahod namon nga tupad balay, pagbugtaw sa aga kadto kay ta Lita sa piyak balay bitbit kape kag tinapay. Kag ato man didto si Mira, kasadya lang kay matawa ka sa kutso-kutso nila.hehe..Miss ko na ang mga kulit kag hyper ko nga mga hinablos (Kenpro,Vanie,Bornek).Ang paghingutuhay sa dalum lubi, manikyur ni Flocel, kag mahjong kung hapon with mama, el, manong Randy, van, mishel kag kis-a si Ta Elsie. Ang pangutos ni el kung mapirdi. Hidlaw na ko sa laswa ni mama, sa akig ya kag sentiments..sang new year nag call sa nagahibi cos she missed me, it pains me to think how she suffers to it. Don't worry mama I'll be home soon..Makatilaw na kosa pinaksiw kag tiil nga luto ni manong Randy. Putot hidlaw na ko sa imo! Hidlaw na ko magkaon mangga kag ginamos with el, paramalhas pa kag la paligo magkaon. Miss ko na ang storyahanay mag brown-out, inaswang or chika chika tapos si Bingbong nahadlok (miss you pare!wink). Miss ko na ang singgitan ni van, ang lalisay namon sa mahjongan. Hidlaw na ko magbulbul sang ilok ni manang Fria, sang iya bihon na dutay panakot pa gid.hehe..Miss ko na kung Friday ang inuman session namon ni manong White with manong Buboy and Bro Roger, I miss San Mig Light (aaah)! I wonder if ga supsop pa si alyssa kung mag sleep, i miss Bojoy, ang iya paugtas kag kalam. Hidlaw na ko katama kay Okloy ko, ga dogsing kmi nah before mag sleep, sunlog sa namon baho iya baba and ako ga dulong siya sa school. Miss ko naman ang butitor ko na magulang, toto Rexie..permi nah sa pangayo bakal sud-an, pamahaw pa gid kung may ara..porboy sa sirena.Hidlaw na ko kay Tes, ang iya tawa..haha..Si Mishel pabkal ko siya Mt. Dew kung la ko kwarta..mga miga ko, si Yansen si Eruth, si Daday..Boranday.Nang banini..Damu na gid ko na miss nga kasdayhan sa amon baryo..hidlaw na ko sa mga mauyon ko na mag tito, si tito Art nagtugon sa akon shade, Ray-ban daw..si tito Cano, ang tito ko na pa epek..si tita otic, permi ya ko gina sukot sa utang ko siya tsangge..hehe..Si papa Efren hidlaw na ko sa oily ya nga baho, hehe..miss ko si mama Ping so much, iya mga advices, how she cares and her gentle nga tingog ( I hope she's doing well). Si lola hidlaw na ko siya, perti kabug-at ligu-on permi lang ngayo kwarta.hehe..Haay even though live is way too far here, walang katumbas ang joy when i'm there. But as what Manang Fria said to me, my new life is here now. I'm not saying I don't like it here cos I do love here. Sometimes I feel guilty though cos my husband might think I'm not happy here with him, but I am very happy because they say hoem is where ur heart is, and my heart is with my hunny so my new home is here now. Though I feel sad once in a while bunny, always bear in your mind that if life lets me choose where to be my choice will be always with you..I love you very much, just bear with me when I'm feeling Homesick..Because they said I'll be used to it soon, but I doubt I'll get used being away with my family..Don't worry mama, I'll do anything para maka-ipon and slowly we'll make our dream come true..And in no time I'll be with you very soon! I love you all so much and I'm always thinking of you.. :)

 P.S.

Credit to Photobucket gali for the photo above..thanks!

Neg-eemote Ako =(

I miss you guys sooooooooooo much!