Getting Over and Letting Go :'(

It has been almost a month since that tragic day happened. And there are days when I look back and thought about it, I say to myself "You've done very well Roxxy, you've stayed strong". But there are times when I could still feel the pain, fresh and inconsolable as I was that very moment it happened. Just when I thought I am in the peak of getting over it, I burst in tears when my husband played one of the scene in the movie "Tarzan" from you tube
And last night when my husband was reading the "Empty Arms" book with me and one of the mothers said in the book " This was my child who brought me only joy all the days of his life. Thank you God, for that kind of child; it was a gift only you could give." Tears fell from my eyes after hearing this as it is so true. When I had my baby in my tummy everyday was bright and happy and I miss that feeling now. :(

"God's plan is better ours" yan ang lagi kong sinasabi kapag nawawalan ako ng lakas ng loob na lumaban. Kanina bgila na naman akong nalungkot kaya ginawa ko I listen to song I like in You Tube, yan ang lagi kong ginagawa kapag malungkot ako. After constantly looking and listening to songs, I came across sa kantang "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks. Heto pakinggan mo;



He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn’t face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he’s never left your side

He knew there’d be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He’ll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he’ll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again

And when there are moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He hears you when you’re crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures

It's a wound that only God and time could heal. Ikaw, ano ang kwento mo? xx

♥ We Were Supposed to Have a Baby But We Had an Angel Instead ♥

To My Dearest Little Angel 

I was over the moon when I knew you were growing in my tummy.

I adore and love you so much even though I haven't seen you.

I carried you very carefully for the 11 weeks you were inside me.

Everyday I woke up with so much joy and excitement in my heart 

knowing each day I am getting closer to seeing you my dearest little angel.

But I don't know what went wrong,

I woke up with spots of blood telling me that my little angel isn't safe any more.

I was so scared, I can't imagine losing you, I wouldn't know what to do.

I prayed and prayed, asked my little angel to be strong and to hold on for Mummy and Daddy.

Slowly the pain elevates and just then I knew sooner or later I might be losing you.

I felt so helpless, hysterical and above all, scared.

I can feel the blood rushing out of me, pouring down the bed,

I couldn't move, I don't want to move,

I wanted to keep you so badly, so desperately.

Although my heart gets weaker and weaker every time I felt the blood coming out of me,

I didn't lose hope, I didn't want to lose the hope that you would be staying with me and Daddy.

The doctor tried to spot you with the ultrasound inside Mummy's womb

And for the first time I saw you,

My heart was beating fast, I was delighted to see you and more desperate to keep you.

Although the doctor told me he can't hear any heartbeat,

I didn't lose hope because my heart was beating for you.

I can bear the pain and all the blood loss,

But the thought of you leaving me, I can't bear.

The most painful memory was lying there on the hospital bed so helpless

Just waiting to lose my little angel.

My abdominal pain didn't seem to get any worse after taking some pain relief.

I wish it lessened the pain I felt in my heart, but it didn't, it just sent me to sleep.

After five hours of sleep, I woke up from my nightmare, which unfortunately was real.

Much as I was losing my blood, I was not losing my tears.

The pain covered me and a sudden melancholy invaded me.

I went to the toilet to relieve myself,

I felt something bulky came out of me,

And when I tried to have a look,

Right in front of me, swimming in a bloody liquid was my dearest little angel.

"Oh my Lord!", my heart was ripped and I didn't know what to do,

I wanted to save my little angel, but there was nothing I could do.

Desperately wanting to cuddle my little angel,

I picked up my little angel and lay it on a piece of clean paper.

I held my little angel and carried it with me to my bed.

I wanted to run away with my little angel, but I knew I had to face it and I couldn't do anything,

But trust my little angel to the hands of God, who does great things for us.

I feel so sorry, so guilty and irresponsible.

I could have been extra careful.

Now I don't know where to start, how to pick up the pieces and face life again.

I lost myself just as I lost my little angel.

We love you so so much our little angel,

You will always be in Mummy and Daddy's heart forever.

Some day at the right time,

Mummy and Daddy will finally hold you

and cuddle you in our arms.

Lots and lots of Love

Mummy and Daddy xxxx

A School Boy from Camarines Sur

Just as I was browsing my facebook account this morning, I came across a friends note and read a very touching story of a school boy from Camarines Sur, Philippines. Thought I would share this to you..

Somewhere in Milaor, Camarines Sur, there lived a  fourth grader boy who would follow this route to school everyday: He has to  cross the rugged plains and cross the dangerous highway where vehicles are  recklessly driving to and from.
 Once past this highway, the boy  would take a short cut, passing by the Church every morning just to say Hi  to God, and faithfully say his, "Magandang umaga po" in Bicol dialect. He  was faithfully being watched by a Priest who was happy to find innocence so  uplifting in the morning,
 "Kamusta, Andoy? Papasok ka  na?"
 "Opo padre ... "he would flash his innocent grin, the priest would  be touched. He was so concerned that one day he talked to  Andoy.
 "From school...", he advised "Do not cross the highway, you  can pass through the Church and I can accompany you to the other side of  the road...that way I can see that you are home safe...."
 "Thank you  father ...  "
 "Why don't  you go home ... why  do you stay  in this church right after school?"
 "I just want to  say  'Hi'   to my  friend, God,"    and the  priest would leave the boy to spend time beside the altar, talking to  himself, but the priest was hiding behind the altar to listen to what this  boy has to say to his heavenly FATHER.
 "You know my math exam was  pretty bad today, but I did not cheat although my seatmate is bullying me  for notes... I ate one cracker and drank my water, Itay had a bad season  and all I can eat is this cracker.
 Thank you for this! I saw a poor  kitten who was hungry and I know how he feels so I gave my last cracker to  him ... funny but I am not that hungry.
 Look, this is my last pair of  slippers ...I may have to walk barefoot next week, you see this is about to  be broken... but it is okay....at least I am still going to school.... Some  say we will have a hard season this month, some of my classmates have  already stopped going to school .... please help them get to school again,  please God?
 ....Oh, you know, Inay hit me again, it is painful, but I  know this pain will pass away, at least I still have a mother.... God, you  want to see my bruises? I know you can heal them.... Here... here and ....  oh ...blood ....I guess you knew about this one huh? Please don't be mad at  Inay, she is just tired and she worries for the food in our table and my  schooling that is why she hits us....Oh, I think I am in love ... there's  this pretty girl in my class, her name is Anita ... do you think she  will like me? Anyway, at least I know you will always  like me, I don't have to be anybody just to please you, you are my very  best friend! Hey your birthday is two days from now!!! Aren't you excited?  I am! Wait till you see, I have a gift for you . but it is a surprise! I  hope you will like it! Oooops, I have to go ..." then he stood up and calls  out, "Padre, padre, I am finished talking to my friend ....
 youcan  accompany me to the other side of the road now"
 This routine happens  everyday. Andoy never fails. Father Agaton shares this every Sunday to the  people in his church because he has not seen a very pure faith and trust in  God, a very positive look at negative situations.
 One Christmas day,  Father Agaton was sick so he could not make it in the Church, he was sent  to the hospital. The Church was left to 4 manangs who would chant the  rosary in 1000 miles per hour, would not smile and would always find fault  in what you do, they were also very well versed in cursing if you irritate  them! They were kneeling, saying their kilometric rosary when Andoy, coming  from his Christmas party,playfully dashed in.
 "Hello God! I  ......"
 "P----!! (a curse) bata ka!! Alam mo nang may nagdadasal!!  Alis!!"

 Poor Andoy was so terrified, "Where's Father Agaton? He is  supposed to help me cross the street ... and to be able to cross the street  I will have to pass by the back door of this church .not only that, I  have to greet Jesus. It is His birthday, I have a gift right here....

 "  Just as he was about to get the gift out of his shirt, the manang  pulled his shirt and threw him out of the church. "Susmaryosep!!! (does the  sign of the cross fervently) Alis kang bata ka, kung hindi matatamaan  ka!!!
 So the boy had no choice but to cross the dangerous side of the  road in front of the church. He crossed. A fast moving bus came  in.
 There was a blind curve. The boy was protecting his gift inside  his shirt, so he was not looking. There was so little time. Andoy died  on the spot. A lot of people crowded the poor boy, the body of a lifeless  young boy ...
 Suddenly, out of nowhere a tall man in a pure white shirt  and pants, a face so mild and gentle, but with eyes full of tears... He  came and carried the boy in His arms. He was crying. Curious bystanders  nudged the man in white, and asked,
 "Excuse me sir, are you related  to this child?
 Do you know this child?"
 The man in white, His  face mourning and in agony, looked up and answered,
 "He was my best  friend . " was all he said. He took the badly wrapped gift in the bloody  chest of the lifeless boy, and placed it near His heart.
 He stood up  and carried the boy away and they both disappeared in sight.
 The crowd  was curious ...
 On Christmas Eve, Father Agaton learned of the shocking  news. He visited the house, and wanted to verify about the man in white. He  consulted the parents of Andoy.
 "How did you know that your son  died?"
 "A man in white brought him here." sobbed the mother. "What  did he say?"
 The father answered, "He did not say anything. He was  mourning. We do not know him and yet he was very lonely about our son's  death, as if he knew our son  very well. But there was something peaceful and unexplainable about  him.
 He gave me my son, and then he smiled peacefully. He brushed my  son's hair away from his face and kissed him on his forehead, then he  whispered something..."
 "What did he say?"
 "He said to my  boy..." the father began, "Thank you for the gift .... I will see you soon  ... you will be with me..." and the father of the boy continued, "and you  know for a while, it felt so
 wonderful ... I cried, but I do not know  why....all I know is I cried tears of joy .... I could not explain it,  Father, but when that man left, something peaceful came over me, I felt a  deep sense
 of love inside ... I could not explain the joy in my heart,  I knew my boy is in heaven now but...tell me, Father, who is this man that  my son talks to everyday in your church, you should know because you are  always there ... except at the time of his death ......"Father Agaton  suddenly felt the tears welling in his eyes, with
 trembling knees,  he murmurred, " ... He was talking to no one ......
 but ..  GOD...."

It's amazing how strong the Faith of this little boy. How he trusted God in everything he does and how selfless he is for such a young age. Made me cry and realised many things..