♥ We Were Supposed to Have a Baby But We Had an Angel Instead ♥

To My Dearest Little Angel 

I was over the moon when I knew you were growing in my tummy.

I adore and love you so much even though I haven't seen you.

I carried you very carefully for the 11 weeks you were inside me.

Everyday I woke up with so much joy and excitement in my heart 

knowing each day I am getting closer to seeing you my dearest little angel.

But I don't know what went wrong,

I woke up with spots of blood telling me that my little angel isn't safe any more.

I was so scared, I can't imagine losing you, I wouldn't know what to do.

I prayed and prayed, asked my little angel to be strong and to hold on for Mummy and Daddy.

Slowly the pain elevates and just then I knew sooner or later I might be losing you.

I felt so helpless, hysterical and above all, scared.

I can feel the blood rushing out of me, pouring down the bed,

I couldn't move, I don't want to move,

I wanted to keep you so badly, so desperately.

Although my heart gets weaker and weaker every time I felt the blood coming out of me,

I didn't lose hope, I didn't want to lose the hope that you would be staying with me and Daddy.

The doctor tried to spot you with the ultrasound inside Mummy's womb

And for the first time I saw you,

My heart was beating fast, I was delighted to see you and more desperate to keep you.

Although the doctor told me he can't hear any heartbeat,

I didn't lose hope because my heart was beating for you.

I can bear the pain and all the blood loss,

But the thought of you leaving me, I can't bear.

The most painful memory was lying there on the hospital bed so helpless

Just waiting to lose my little angel.

My abdominal pain didn't seem to get any worse after taking some pain relief.

I wish it lessened the pain I felt in my heart, but it didn't, it just sent me to sleep.

After five hours of sleep, I woke up from my nightmare, which unfortunately was real.

Much as I was losing my blood, I was not losing my tears.

The pain covered me and a sudden melancholy invaded me.

I went to the toilet to relieve myself,

I felt something bulky came out of me,

And when I tried to have a look,

Right in front of me, swimming in a bloody liquid was my dearest little angel.

"Oh my Lord!", my heart was ripped and I didn't know what to do,

I wanted to save my little angel, but there was nothing I could do.

Desperately wanting to cuddle my little angel,

I picked up my little angel and lay it on a piece of clean paper.

I held my little angel and carried it with me to my bed.

I wanted to run away with my little angel, but I knew I had to face it and I couldn't do anything,

But trust my little angel to the hands of God, who does great things for us.

I feel so sorry, so guilty and irresponsible.

I could have been extra careful.

Now I don't know where to start, how to pick up the pieces and face life again.

I lost myself just as I lost my little angel.

We love you so so much our little angel,

You will always be in Mummy and Daddy's heart forever.

Some day at the right time,

Mummy and Daddy will finally hold you

and cuddle you in our arms.

Lots and lots of Love

Mummy and Daddy xxxx

Bagot, Bored, Homesick

Ako ay nababagot, nabobored at na hohomesick na naman. Ang hirap din talaga mag-adjust at mag-cope pag nasa ibang bansa ka.Kahit lahat pa ng bagay na pinapangarap mo lang noon andito na at abot kamay mo, di pa rin kompleto ang buhay. Noon akala mo heto yong mga bagay na magpapaligaya sayo pero hindi rin pala. Mamimiss mo rin ang mga simpleng bagay na ginagawa mo noon nong asa Pinas ka pa.
Marami ang naniniwala na masuwerte daw ang mga Pilipinong nasa ibang bansa. Madali daw ang buhay, maraming pera at mas masaya. FYI po, mas masuwerte po kayong mga nasa Pilipinas.
Bakit? Dahil unang una kapiling niyo ang lahat ng mahal niyo sa buhay. May karamay kayo sa bawat problema at lungkot na dulot ng buhay. Hindi man kayo sumusuweldo ng dollars o pounds, at wala man sa inyo ang mga karangyaan sa mundo, nasa sa inyo naman ang pinapangarap ng bawat Pilipino. Ang kaligayahan na kapiling ang buong pamilya.
Base po yan sa pinagdaanan ko. Lumaki ako at mga kapatid ko na hindi nasubaybayan ng Papa ko dahil isa siyang OFW sa Saudi. Matagal din siyang nagtrabaho don mga dalawampong taon. Umuuwi siya isang buwan kada dalawa o apat na taon, depende sa kontrata niya. Kaya lumaki ako na halos di ko siya makilala at may takot sa kanya. Naging isang estranghero sa akin ang aking ama. Nong bata pa ako ayokong umuuwi siya, sabi ko di na baleng wala siya, ok na ako kay Mama.
Pero sa pagdaan ng panahon at habang lumalaki ako at nagkaisip nawala rin ang takot ko sa kanya. Napalitan ito ng paghanga at malaking malaking pagmamahal. Unti unti kong nakilala ang aking ama at isa siyang dakila para sa akin.Tiniis niya ang lungkot na mawalay sa amin para lang mabigyan kami ng magandang buhay. Dahil don idol ko siya at siya rin ang numero uno kong tagahanga. Buong buo ang tiwala niya sa kakayahan ko at matalino daw ako. Kaya simula noon ang bawat tagumpay ko sa pag-aaral para sa kanya. Nangarap ako ng matayog, kaya kong abutin ang buwan para sa Papa ko.
Kaya nong namatay siya gumuho lahat ng pangarap na yon, naging walang silbi lahat ng pangarap ko kasi wala na siya. Doon ko nakita kong gaano kalupit ang buhay, nawala ang tiwala ko sa "future" na sinasabi nila. Pano pa ako magkakaroon ng magandang kinabukasan kung kinuha niya ang kaisa-isang tao na magbibigay sa akin nito. Matinding lungkot at takot yon ang naramdaman ko. 
Matinding lungkot dahil nawala ang pinaka importanteng tao sa buhay ko. Nawala siya sa mga panahong naramadaman at naisip ko na pinaka masaya pala ang pasko pag andiyan siya. Sayang, isang beses lang kami nagkasama sa buong pasko sa buhay ko. Ang sarap pala ng yakap ni Papa pagkatapos kang murahin at pagalitan ni Mama. Don ko naramdaman na ang "YAKAP NI PAPA" kayang pawiin at palakasin ang loob ko na labanan kahit na pinakamasakit pang mura ng kung sino. Yakap na nagsasabing "Walang sino mang Puncho Pilato ang puwedeng mang-api sa bunso ko." Yakap na sana nakuha ko arawa araw kung di lang siya dapat lumayo para sa magandang bukas na na gusto at pangarap niyang ibigay sa amin.
Kaya ngayong may asawa na ako at nasa ibang bansa rin, mas lalo kong naintindihan, hinangaan at minahal si Papa.Lalo nga lang akong nasasaktan sa tuwing Nababagot, Nabobored, at nahohomesick ako, kasi naiisip ko na doble o triple pa ang nararamdaman noon ng Papa ko kasi walang siyang kahit na sino sa tabi niya. Ako masuwerte pa rin dahil kasama ko ang asawa ko, mga biyenan ko at may mga kaibigan sa banyagang bansang ito.
Pero lalo ring tumatatag ang loob ko dahil alam ko kailangan kong maging matapang para ipagpatuloy ang pangarap na binuo ni Papa sa pamilyang inalayan niya ng buhay. Kaya sa mga ta-ong nagsasabing hindi naging mabuti ang buhay namin kung hindi dahil sa mga asawa namin "PAKYU!!!!!!". Para malaman niyo hindi man kami mayaman hindi rin kami naghirap ng masyado dahil patuloy na nangarap ang Papa namin para sa amin.Dugo at pawis ang inalay niya para lang hindi kami apihin ng mga mapanghusgang taong katulad niyo! Pinaghihirapan ko kung ano man ang buhay meron ang pamilya ko ngayon.

Kaya after all I realised being with our Papa all our lives would be best than a good life. Perhaps it wasn't the good option before nong mga bata pa kami but growing up I can't even remember the good life, just the pain being away from our Papa most of our lives kaya he chose to spend most of his years working abroad just because he preferred to give us a good life. I am not blaming Papa at all or Mama, perhaps that's the bitter sweet life nating mga Pilipino. Kaya FYI po ok lang mag abroad but don't live all your life or don't let your parents/parent live all their lives working abroad dahil sa GOOD LIFE na yan!! Pag naka ipon na ng tama go home habang malakas kapa and so you have the rest of your life with your loved ones. What is a good life or money after all. Pag lumaki po yong mga anak niyo at nagkaisip tama man ako o hindi if you asked them now they would prefer to be with you all these years kesa sa lintik na good life na yan!

Tsaka family photo po don't forget, yan ang simpleng pangarap ko lang na kahit kailan hindi hindi na mangyayari unless mag photoshop!

Ang Nababagot, Nabobored at Nahohomesick, 

Lesson Learned

"Don't judge the book by its cover" ..A lesson that I learned for the past 2 days sa katrabaho kong itago na lang natin sa pangalang "Lina" . Don't get me wrong but sometimes people as we are mahilig tayo maghusga sa isang tao na nakakasalubong natin. With how they look, pano pumorma, magsalita at kulay ng balat. Forgive me Lord but ganyan po ang naramdaman ko 2 days ago. Naging mapanghusga po ako sa kapwa ko. Patawad po..
After natapos yong work ko tonight, I was in a really funny feeling. Maybe siguro dahil na realise ko ang lesson ne natutunan ko. I am profoundly happy dahil sa kabila ng isang  di kaaya-ayang araw at kasama na ini-expect ko it all turned the opposite. Even great.. I had a great time with my 2 days shift, had a good laugh and chat and except from my pay, I also I earned a friend... :) ♥♥♥ THANK YOU GOD for a Blessed day! :)

I learned as well nagiging sakit na pala ang INGGIT?
Para sa Stalker ko ;
Stop reading my blog, patuloy ka lang ma-iinggit! Get on with your life dear, make it better para di kana magka-ganyan. Well if wrecking me at subaybayan ako will make you happy then go on. But mind you, you won't get anything with it, you tried once and you didn't succeed..Siguro motto mo " Better luck next time" noh?
Anyway if wala ka talagang magawa why not magtanim ka nalang ng kamote sa bakuran niyo pwede mo nang anahin sa tag-ulan...hehe. 

Sige have to go now, my hunny just made me a cup of coffee. We will play card game with my parents in-law more interesting than you..Ikaw anu gawa mo?Iniisip mo na naman ba ako?nyahaha!!!! POOR :( 

First Snow

At our back garden..I took it this morning as soon as i woke up

Hello again my blogger friends, I'm a bit inspired of blogging at the moment so here I am.lol..How time flies, it seems like yesterday when I came here in England. Or should I say since I had my last Christmas back in the Philippines. And now Christmas is here again. It's getting closer and I can see it with all the colourful Christmas lights, big Christmas trees and lots of Christmas sale in the high street and malls all over the country. Last weekend bunny and I started our christmas shopping, looked for our Christmas gifts at dockside in Medway near my SIL's place. And oh dear, it was extremely cold. Frost had started and I saw how the fields turned white as we were driving to my SIL's place. And then it gets colder and colder each day until I had my first snow experienced last Sunday. They said for 17 years it's just the only time it snowed in November. They had a horrible winter last year and wasn't expecting this early snow really. But yeah it was quite an excitement to me to see and experienced snow!haha..It's every body's dream from a hot weather country. And today we have more snow, a proper snow I guess cos what I saw on Sunday was just a very quick one. Yet it's not good somehow in the roads, or for travelling. A lot of classes were suspended cos of the heavy snow and bunny and I can't book watching Harry Potter cos of the bad weather. Not good to travel at night. Oh well, I am enjoying watching it in the window, but not enjoying the coldness it brings at all.hehe..I am looking of playing under the snow though, making snow ball and snow man and a great photo under the snow! =)