To My Dearest Little Angel
I was over the moon when I knew you were growing in my tummy.
I adore and love you so much even though I haven't seen you.
I carried you very carefully for the 11 weeks you were inside me.
Everyday I woke up with so much joy and excitement in my heart
knowing each day I am getting closer to seeing you my dearest little angel.
But I don't know what went wrong,
I woke up with spots of blood telling me that my little angel isn't safe any more.
I was so scared, I can't imagine losing you, I wouldn't know what to do.
I prayed and prayed, asked my little angel to be strong and to hold on for Mummy and Daddy.
Slowly the pain elevates and just then I knew sooner or later I might be losing you.
I felt so helpless, hysterical and above all, scared.
I can feel the blood rushing out of me, pouring down the bed,
I couldn't move, I don't want to move,
I wanted to keep you so badly, so desperately.
Although my heart gets weaker and weaker every time I felt the blood coming out of me,
I didn't lose hope, I didn't want to lose the hope that you would be staying with me and Daddy.
The doctor tried to spot you with the ultrasound inside Mummy's womb
And for the first time I saw you,
My heart was beating fast, I was delighted to see you and more desperate to keep you.
Although the doctor told me he can't hear any heartbeat,
I didn't lose hope because my heart was beating for you.
I can bear the pain and all the blood loss,
But the thought of you leaving me, I can't bear.
The most painful memory was lying there on the hospital bed so helpless
Just waiting to lose my little angel.
My abdominal pain didn't seem to get any worse after taking some pain relief.
I wish it lessened the pain I felt in my heart, but it didn't, it just sent me to sleep.
After five hours of sleep, I woke up from my nightmare, which unfortunately was real.
Much as I was losing my blood, I was not losing my tears.
The pain covered me and a sudden melancholy invaded me.
I went to the toilet to relieve myself,
I felt something bulky came out of me,
And when I tried to have a look,
Right in front of me, swimming in a bloody liquid was my dearest little angel.
"Oh my Lord!", my heart was ripped and I didn't know what to do,
I wanted to save my little angel, but there was nothing I could do.
Desperately wanting to cuddle my little angel,
I picked up my little angel and lay it on a piece of clean paper.
I held my little angel and carried it with me to my bed.
I wanted to run away with my little angel, but I knew I had to face it and I couldn't do anything,
But trust my little angel to the hands of God, who does great things for us.
I feel so sorry, so guilty and irresponsible.
I could have been extra careful.
Now I don't know where to start, how to pick up the pieces and face life again.
I lost myself just as I lost my little angel.
We love you so so much our little angel,
You will always be in Mummy and Daddy's heart forever.
Some day at the right time,
Mummy and Daddy will finally hold you
and cuddle you in our arms.
Lots and lots of Love
Mummy and Daddy xxxx